Exploring divorce in Ukraine: From hopes of prosperity abroad to trauma of return from war

During the first year of the full-scale war, Ukrainians entered into more than 198,000 marriages, almost 8,000 more than in 2021.

But in the second year, the situation changed. In the first six months of 2023, the number of registered marriages decreased by 17% compared to the same period last year. Divorces, on the other hand, increased by a third.

To find out the reasons for these trends, hromadske spoke to demographers and psychologists.

Similar trends in 2014-15

Liudmyla Sliusar, PhD in Economics and a researcher at the National Academy of Sciences of Ukraine, says that at the beginning of the Russo-Ukrainian war in 2014, the number of marriages also increased. In particular, this is due to mobilization.

"These are couples who have been together before, but for some reason did not register their relationship. When there is a registered marriage, both the wife and the husband who is mobilized are more protected. The issue of the missing status or injured is much more difficult to resolve in an unofficial relationship," noted Sliusar.

The scientist explains the decline in the number of new marriages in 2023 by the fall in the number of people of marriageable age. Many of those who wanted to get married have already done so. At the same time, due to migration and mobilization, there are fewer people who could start a family.

Liudmyla Sliusar notes that, in terms of statistics, it is difficult to observe divorces because there is no complete data. For example, in many cases, divorce can take place through the courts, and the court administration does not currently publish complete statistical information.

But in general, it is believed that during the first year of the all-out war, the number of divorces decreased because married couples simply had more important problems to tend to. Divorce could be postponed. The same was true in 2014-2015. However, there is a risk that there may be more divorces in the future.

"Some women have a chance to change their lives for the better"

The increase in the number of divorces did not come as a surprise to psychologists, says Lilia Sirokha, a psychologist at the Zaporuka Foundation. In 2022, Ukrainians were in an adrenaline-fueled mood, so the number of marriages increased. In addition, many people went to war, so people realized that they could not postpone their lives until later.

One of the reasons for the increase in divorce rates in 2023 is that women who have adapted abroad may have reassessed their family life. Many families realized that when you take away everyday life, there is very little in common.

"Migration has given some women a chance to change their lives for the better. Before the full-scale war, Ukraine had one of the highest levels of domestic violence in Europe. Therefore, the war really helped a certain category of the population, no matter how cynical it may sound. They were able to do things that they would never have done in peaceful life," says the psychologist.

In her opinion, as long as the war continues, the number of divorces will not grow rapidly: those who wanted to do so could have already done so. After the war, there will probably be a new wave, because men will come back from the war different from when they went to war. Not all women will be ready to face this.

"When a family finds itself in stressful conditions, it is a test"

Often, when soldiers return to their families after being furloughed or demobilized, conflicts arise because of misunderstandings between the partners, says family psychologist Natalia Hayevska.

She cited an example from her own practice: a husband and wife had lived together for more than 12 years. Everything was fine with them. When the husband became a volunteer, the wife, on the one hand, was proud of him, but on the other hand, she felt abandoned and left alone with the children.

"The husband paid less attention for objective reasons. She thought he didn't need her. This topic was transferred from her head to reality, and the wife began to convince her husband of what she believed. Her own childhood traumas were making themselves felt. It was difficult for her to distinguish between her own experiences and reality. Eventually, the couple divorced," says Natalia Hayevska.

The psychologist says that men returning from war cannot always switch to civilian life. And families do not understand what they came with. The family may realize that the man will not be the same as before, but internally they expect him to be the same.

"The husband comes home, and the wife sees that her husband is becoming distant, more irritated. She then reproaches him: ‘Why are you doing this?’ In other words, a person is put under a ban on what he really feels. Men seem to be choking on their feelings, and they often start drinking or resort to other addictions," Natalia says.

This is one of the main reasons that lead first to alienation in a couple, and then to divorce, the expert explains. A woman may not realize that her actions and rejection are pushing her husband to addictions. She is driven by anxiety that she will need to get to know each other in a new way, she is afraid that she will not be able to cope with this, so she wants her husband to behave as before.

"But he will not be the same. At the same time, she cannot explain her fears to him. In such situations, there should be no claims, labels, or accusations. We should try to hear each other as much as possible. This is a dangerous tendency when a woman tries to return a man to his previous state with her accusations or criticism," says Hayevska.

The psychologist adds that when a family finds itself in a stressful environment, it is a kind of test of how well the spouses can adapt to changes in their partner and themselves. There are families where people can't stand it and divorce. But there are also those that reach a higher level. If people can communicate with each other, hear and understand, they can cope with this.

Natalia works with a group of women married to servicemen. They discuss that in some cases they need to change their attitude towards their husbands.

"While in peacetime a woman definitely cannot be a substitute for a partner's mother, in times of war, when men come back maimed, we can make an exception. We can give unconditional love if it really exists," the expert emphasized.

Domestic violence is also among the causes

In addition, the increase in the number of cases of domestic violence may also be the reason for the rise in the number of divorces, the psychologist says.

According to the National Police, the number of reported cases of domestic violence increased by 51% in the first five months of this year compared to the same period in 2022. These numbers are more than a third higher than the previous record in 2020, which experts attributed to the quarantine due to the coronavirus pandemic.

Officials and experts reported that the increase in domestic violence in Ukraine was the result of rising stress, economic hardship, and unemployment. In most cases, the victims were women.

"No strong common ground was built"

Natalia Hayevska recalled a case when a woman and her children moved to Poland. There, her life began to improve: she found a good job and enrolled her children in school. At home in Ukraine, she had arguments with her husband. You can't say that they lived well, but somehow they tolerated each other.

After returning to Ukraine, the wife began to develop anxiety and depression. She realized that the reason for this was her destructive relationship with her husband. The couple divorced, the woman returned to Poland, and now she is doing well, the psychologist says.

If there were already problems in the family, but they were suppressed in peacetime, then at a distance and under stress, everything becomes evident.

"In my practice, there have been many such cases. The main reason is that there was no strong common ground for which the woman and her children would like to return. It was a green light for her: ‘Enough! I've had enough, I can start my life anew’. Divorce never happens out of nowhere," the psychologist concludes.