"Pain is where love is". The experience of bereaved people and a therapist's advice on how to cope with it

The most difficult thing for me is understanding how my family was killed

Olena Suhenko (Radchenko) is 32 years old. Russians kidnapped her mother Olha, father Ihor, and brother Oleksandr during the occupation of the Kyiv region and then tortured and killed them. Most likely, the Suhenko family was killed on March 24, 2022. The bodies were found in a mass grave on April 2, 2022.

When I learned about the death of my relatives, I still hoped they were alive — I refused to believe. At first, I was shocked; I couldn't understand what world I was in.

I went numb and just lay there motionless for several hours. A woman whose family my child and I were living with at the time helped me. She looked after her daughter and hugged me, which gave me support.

After hearing the news of their death, I became depressed and cried at night. My thoughts were overwhelming. I didn't know how to continue with my life - I shut down and became numb.

The most challenging thing for me was realizing how my family was killed. It hurts a lot that my relatives were tortured.

The attempts of others to support me mostly did not help. People did something that rather irritated me - they gave me instructions like: 'you have to move on', 'you have to be strong'.

I got the feeling that I had become uncomfortable for others. Because people usually don't know what to say or how to approach me so as not to hurt me.

I felt lonely around those who had not experienced loss because they did not understand me. And that's okay — someone who hasn't experienced it will never understand. So I don't blame anyone.

I felt I couldn't cope independently, so I went to a therapist. At first, I used the method of positive psychotherapy, but it didn't help me much, so later, I turned to a specialist who usually works with the military and bereavement. She helped me find the strength to move on with my life.

Later, I decided to join a psychological support group where bereaved people gather. It helps me a lot to communicate with those who fully understand me because they have had similar experiences.

I realized that grieving for my family has become a part of me. It may be quieter than before, but it will never vanish completely. And my task is to learn to live with it. I realized that my family would not want me to give up. And that I have to pull myself together and move on because no one else will do it but me.

Yes, I'm not as cheerful as I used to be; I've become more introverted. But I accept myself for who I am and ask those around me to accept me.

Our society is not yet very supportive. We don't know how to interact with each other when it comes to loss. So, not only those who went through loss but also those who have not experienced it need to work on this.

I started visiting my parents' house often. I care for my mother's flower gardens, although I have never done it before. I do physical labor and go to the gym, which helps me to cope mentally. I pay more attention to my relationship with my husband and child.

Now, I want to do everything I can to make sure that my family's actions are remembered. This mission helps me to live.

I hate the phrase 'hold on'. The best thing people around you can do is ask, 'How can I help you?'

Tetiana Klepak is 22 years old. Her father, Volodymyr Oleksandrovych, died at the front line of a fire in March 2023. The Russians hit him and other defenders with anti-tank weapons.

Even before my father went to fight in the Donetsk region, I had a bad feeling. I made a video of my father talking to our dog, "Zhakan, I'll be back, and we'll go hunting." After filming it, I thought this was the last video I would ever make with my father, but I pushed those thoughts away.

Just a week later, my father passed away.

When I found out, I couldn't understand the information for the first few minutes. It was as if I didn't understand what had really happened. I was even afraid of my reaction: "Am I really that cold? Do I really not care?" But after shock, I burst into tears.

I was worried not about myself but about my mom. That day, I talked to her about what would happen next. We were sad, but even in that state, I tried to joke, and we laughed a little.

The first three days were the hardest. I didn't want to stay home with my thoughts and grief, so I didn't spend the first night there. I worked all days. I did not cancel my planned meetings with friends. It was important for me to be distracted and socialize because when I was alone, sad thoughts overtook me.

At first, my friends were afraid to say the wrong thing; they were worried. But I was disgusted by their pity. The best thing they could do then was to continue talking to me, sometimes joking. I told them myself that I needed it. At the same time, we didn't ignore the situation — we talked about my condition, my family, and our future life.

"The phrase 'hold on' really pisses me off. My mother used to say: "Who do I have to hold on to now?" I think the best thing that others can do is ask, “How can I help you?"

Three days after the news, I felt better. I began to accept the situation and everything that awaited us next. I think, first of all, it was influenced by the fact that we are believers in the family.

After the loss, I began to think about finding a new job because now I had more financial responsibility – before, a significant part of our family's budget was my father's salary. And interestingly, I found what I had been looking for for a long time.

I started paying more attention to myself. I want to feel alive and happy. Therefore, I try to look for opportunities to spend time for the benefit of my soul.

I began to appreciate the people around me more and realized that as long as my loved ones are around, I should say what was in my heart. My father and I were not very close. Yes, I loved him very much, but my temper was often not the best. I would get irritated over little things, or I would be too proud.

After losing my father, I felt ashamed of my emotional outbursts. I realized that as long as a loved one is around, there is no need to throw out the negative; it is better to turn off pride and to come up, hug, and talk about everything that bothered me.

I often take my dad's things outdoors: tents, sleeping bags, and various equipment. I even wear his jacket: when I wear it, I often get compliments. My dad's belongings make me feel his presence and that I am 'daddy's daughter'.

He taught me to love parachuting and weapons. We still have his rifles, so when I turn 25, I will be able to re-register them for myself.

Sometimes, I burst into tears: when I hear music about our heroes, I remember Father's Day... But my dad is alive for our family, he is always in our thoughts and hearts.

People support me: some with words, some with hugs — it helps

Mykhailo Yatseniuk is 65 years old. On March 9, 2022, he lost seven of his family members in an air strike in Izium: his wife Natalia, aunt Zinaida, daughter Olha, son-in-law Vitalii, and grandchildren Dima, Oleksii, and Arina. Mykhailo and his family were hiding from the explosions in the basement when his granddaughter Arina asked her grandfather to make tea. He came out of the basement, and then an explosion occurred — the basement collapsed. Everyone who was there died. Mykhailo passed out and lost consciousness but later came to.

When I recovered after the explosion, I started calling my family, but no one answered. I realized that they were dead. However, it seemed that it couldn't be true, that it was a dream.

I had terrible emotions, screaming, crying... No one came to help me. When I calmed down a bit, I started to get out from under the rubble. I got out and went to the neighboring house, to my friend. I started shaking — it lasted for about an hour.

The next morning, I went to clear the rubble. Screams and tears returned. Then I started going there every day. The centralized rubble removal began only 20 days after the tragedy. When they took out the bodies of my relatives, the emotions came over me again, but this time stronger. I don't even know how to describe them.

For two months, I was just helpless. All my thoughts were about this tragedy. It became a little easier only after I buried my family.

For some time, I lived in the apartment where my daughter and her family used to live. Now, I don't live there anymore, except for the occasional visit. Everything there is the same as it was when they were alive.

After the death of my family, I did not seek the help of specialists. I went through everything myself and managed to cope with it.

People support me: some with words, some with hugs - it helps. I also use deep breathing techniques to calm myself down.

For me, the most important is to have the willpower to cope with everything and move on.

The pain of loss is where love is

Oleh Romanchuk, psychotherapist, child psychiatrist, director of the Ukrainian Institute of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the Institute of Mental Health at Ukrainian Catholic University. He works in particular on the topic of loss.

Living with loss is a process of adapting to changes in life and the relationship form because death is not the end of the relationship with the deceased. Therefore, an important part of the process is the transfer of the relationship, which no longer takes place in the "external" world, to the internal world.

We need to keep the memories and love in our hearts. It is important to rethink the role of this loved one and move on, honoring their memory and continuing their story in our lives.

This process is, of course, painful. The pain of loss is where love is. It is important to learn to live with this pain and sadness but also to find in it a source of strength to continue creating life.

Grief helps you move on

After a loss, a person goes through the process of mourning. There are no defined stages or phases — every case is individual. Yes, there are certain behaviors, but there are no specific time frames or sequences that can be considered right or wrong.

A person can experience any of the following emotions: sadness, anger, fear, pain, longing, exhaustion, numbness. All emotions can be present at the same time or in turn. They can last for a long time or change quickly. Positive feelings can arise and last: love, gratitude, pride, and emotion. All of these are normal in the event of a loss.

The way a person copes with loss depends on a combination of many factors:

A person can experience any of the following emotions: sadness, anger, fear, pain, longing, exhaustion, numbness. All emotions can occur simultaneously or in turn. They can last for a long time or change quickly. Positive feelings can arise and last: love, gratitude, pride, and emotion. All of these are normal in the event of a loss.

How a person copes with a loss depends on a combination of factors:

available support resources

• the one's personality
• the nature of the relationship with the deceased,
• the role of the deceased in the person's life,
• the circumstances of the death,
• the challenges that came with the death, etc.

In general, loss is a natural process that people go through throughout their lives. But, loss due to war may have additional challenges and, therefore, be more painful.

It can be associated with psychotraumatic circumstances. For example, if loved ones have experienced torture, abuse, or captivity. There may be a lot of anger at enemies and difficulty in understanding how people are capable of such cruelty.

A person may witness death. Or remain uncertain when they have not seen the body and are unsure of the fact of death. They may be unable to bury the body or say goodbye to the deceased. Also, in the context of war, the loss of a person can be accompanied by the loss of a home or the loss of connections. These factors often leave an additional imprint.

At the same time, during the war, there is solidarity between people and a sense of unity in this difficult experience. The realization that one is not alone can help to cope with the loss. The understanding that the dead gave their lives for Ukraine and our future can give you a sense of gratitude and pride.

You should not try to eliminate the feelings and emotions you experience after a loss. People often think they need to "move on" after a loss. In fact, mourning helps you move on. It helps to comprehend and understand everything, to honor the memory.

In this process, it is very important to be kind to yourself. Do not be too demanding of yourself. Act with trust in your inner wisdom. Understand that you need the support of others, space, and time to live with the loss. Ask for support and help when needed.

People around you and society should ask what the person's needs in mourning are and what can help them. Do not give instructions such as 'be strong', 'turn the page', or 'do not cry'. Such words can, on the contrary, demotivate a person.

People can cope with loss without the help of a therapist when they have enough internal resources and support from their environment. Sometimes, it only takes a few counseling sessions to help navigate the road of grief.

On therapy and society's shared responsibility

Longer-term specialized therapy is needed for more complicated grief. When, for example, there is persistent emotional numbness or a feeling of inability to adapt to life, to find meaning, etc. Or with accompanying symptoms of depression, in particular, persistent (for two weeks or more) mood decline, apathy, sleep disturbances, pessimism, and lack of energy. There may be symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder: repeated painful memories of the event, a constant feeling of anxiety, and tension. In this case, specialized therapy is also required.

However, of course, anyone needing professional help can seek help from a specialist. Support groups, where people with experience of loss gather, are also very effective.

In general, it is very important for us as a society to understand our shared responsibility to honor the memory of those who died in this war and to care for and support the bereaved families. This will largely determine how we, as a country and as a nation, will overcome this experience of numerous losses and be able to create our future and our lives.

The text was prepared by the Memorial memory platform, which tells the stories of civilians and Ukrainian service members killed by Russia. Please fill out the forms for the deceased military and civilian victims to report information about Ukraine's losses.

Author: Olha Korotenko