The letters I can't send: a widow's story of love and loss

Dumplings signifying “you mean the world to me”

At first Ilona is shy about confessing to a stranger over the phone, but slowly opens up. Anyone who has lost a loved one in the war usually wants to tell the world about them. They want to show what the deceased did and how special he was. After that, bereaving people feel a little bit better. Remembering, they relive those wonderful moments when they were together, the two of them. So does Ilona. She laughs, immersing herself in that recent happiness like a sweet dream.

They met on Instagram. Lyosha, as Ilona calls him, commented on some of her stories. Slowly they started talking. It turned out that they were both into film photography and riding bicycles. And then she saw him in the subway.

It turned out that they both lived at the same station. The guy put on a mask as the coronavirus was still raging in 2021. She hesitated to approach him, but wrote: "Is that you?" She received a reply: "It is".

A few days later, Oleksii invited Ilona to visit him at home. He had injured his knee on duty the day before, was on crutches and would not be able to go out on his own.

"He promised to cook dinner. It turned out to be delicious pasta. I brought some wine. I was very embarrassed, worried, but everything went well, we laughed a lot. He was also nervous. He kept asking me if I was okay. We liked each other," Ilona recalls with joy.

And when he also sent a basket of flowers to her work, she grew convinced that he was a good man, had good taste, and he definitely liked her.

Before the fateful February 24, 2022, they managed to see each other once or twice more. And then, by April, they were in different places: Oleksii in a hospital in Vinnytsia, where he had undergone surgery the day before, and Ilona at her grandmother's house near Skvyra (on the border of Kyiv and Zhytomyr oblasts). There, she and her family waited out the attack on Kyiv. During this time, the couple talked about all sorts of things. Oleksii managed to send her flowers and gifts. In particular, a folding knife she wanted and a box of her favorite donuts.

It broke his heart that he could not be with his comrades-in-arms because of his injury. And they were dying in Mariupol one by one. As soon as the stitches were removed, he rushed to Kyiv to get registered, but his leg could not withstand the stress. It developed complications. Months of rehabilitation began. Ilona supported Oleksii. As soon as she returned to Kyiv, she brought him some homemade food to the hospital. When Oleksii saw the dumplings, he was happy: "This is how I know I mean something to you."

Later, they would laughingly recall that it was on April 18 that Ilona agreed to become his girlfriend. Before that, she had hesitated because of the war and not knowing what lies ahead. And then she thought, why not? "I like him, we have a lot in common, it's cosy being around each other. You only live once."

Romance from the front line

"Our entire relationship is one romantic story," Ilona says. "He found a way to send me flowers even from near the front line. I always wrote him letters on paper. If he was traveling somewhere, I would put either postcards or photos of us together in an envelope. No matter where he was on duty – Kremenchuk, Mohyliv-Podilskyi, Zaporizhzhya – I would abandon everything and rush to see him. It didn't matter if it was for a day, half a day or an hour."

The lovebirds didn't have time for everyday ordinary things: waking up together, making breakfast, watching a movie. Time was flying by. And they tried to stop it at least for a moment.

"Oleksii invited me on dates, walks, arranged romantic candlelit evenings, showered me with compliments, rushed to meet me from work, ordered a taxi, cooked for me, and took care of me. Last summer, we had a chance to live together for two weeks in his apartment in Kyiv.

I remember sitting in the kitchen and he said: ‘You are my favorite friend’. Our relationship is not a flash in the pan, not blind love or passion. These things are so fleeting. We became good friends first, and this is the basis of love. Friendship is always about reciprocity, understanding, and comfort in communication.

We could talk about previous relationships, about any past experiences. About our fears and doubts. We were very supportive of each other. Lyosha often said: ‘If it weren't for you, I don't know how I would have coped’. We had a lot of challenges: his knee injury, the death of his friends, the death of his favorite dog, who had lived with him for almost 13 years. But we went through the difficulties together. Lyosha admitted that it was the first time he had such an honest, open relationship."

During one of the rotations (Oleksii returned to the regiment last summer - ed.), the happy couple went to the mountains. Ilona had never been hiking before, and then he decided to take her on a one-day trip. He chose Mount Ilza. According to the legend, a girl named Ilza fell in love with a young man, but he disappeared somewhere. She missed him and settled on the mountain as a hermit. Since then, she took care of lovers. It was considered a good omen to propose on Ilza. Then the marriage would be happy. Ilona was unaware of Oleksii's plan.

"He congratulated me on conquering my first peak. He asked me to close my eyes and make a wish. But I didn't manage it in time," she laughs. "Oleksii got down on one knee, his sore knee, and held out the ring. He said it was the most important decision of his life. I burst into tears: it was so touching. It was so special. The sun, which had been hiding in the clouds, shone on the world and on us. It seemed like a blessing."

The wedding was scheduled for March 2023, during Oleksii's next leave.

"I want to wear the ring you gave me so much," he wrote to his partner. His friends, comrades-in-arms, and relatives noticed that he changed a lot when Ilona came into his life. His eyes shone with happiness.

"Lyosha was in a hurry to get married. He really wanted to have a family, children, a home. Just before he got married, he went to Vinnytsia Oblast, where he inherited a house. We were going to settle down there. In March, I planted an oak tree. As a symbol of our future," Ilona says.

On the day of the wedding, an air raid alert was declared, and the couple waited outside the registry office. They celebrated with their loved ones, and happiness overwhelmed the young family.

A piece of shrapnel to the head. No chance

Oleksii Mazur was raised by his mother, grandmother and grandfather. The grandad replaced his father, whom his mother divorced when he was a baby. In his youth, Oleksii suffered from a rare cancer. He spent a year recovering. Doctors said he had survived by a miracle.

It was then that he decided: "If God saved my life, then I have to save others." He was eager to defend Ukraine from the beginning of the Russian aggression in 2014. His uncle, volunteer Andriy Hryhoruk, said that his friends took the medical tests instead of his nephew. Because with his results, he had no chance of getting to the front.

At first, Oleksii was in St. Mary's (a volunteer special forces battalion - ed.), then in Azov.

"He became a medic, worked on evacuations," Ilona adds. "And saved hundreds of lives. He learned everything in eight years. But he never taught me how to use a tourniquet as he didn’t have time," she laughs.

She says that her husband was tired of his service and dreamed of retiring after martial law ended and living quietly at home with his children, among nature and animals. He was searching for a grill on which he would make steaks for his friends.

"Lyosha loved to cook, and even in the service, in the trenches, he could make something delicious out of nothing. All his comrades praised his borshch, his bohrach. We talked about the grill model I was going to gift him on the morning of June 8. In the afternoon, he sent a text message: "I'm alive," and in the evening he died," the bell-like voice in the receiver suddenly gets hoarse. "Our guys went to storm the positions, he was taking out the wounded under fire. And an anti-tank guided missile landed next to the car. Lyosha was hit in the head by a fragment. He had no chance, although they did try to take him out and save him."

His mother's only son, his beloved one’s husband, a brave Ukrainian soldier, 28-year-old Oleksii Mazur, was buried in Vinnytsia Oblast. Before that, people said their final goodbye to the warrior at St. Michael's Cathedral in Kyiv.

"I was in a stupor. I was disoriented. I was trying to see him, to spend as much time as possible with him. To say goodbye. I wrote him a letter and put it in the coffin. I asked him to come to me and his mother and comfort us, because we miss him so much. I asked him to give us news either through a dream or some other way. To tell me if he was at peace. He wanted peace in his life so much, and I really hope he found it there," Ilona sobs.

The story turns into a monologue. It contains a complaint about the injustice of life, in which a young, beautiful person wants to do so much, to save people, to be happy, and dies. And the heaviness of the fact that they had been waiting and looking for their significant other for many years. And when they finally met, they did not get enough of each other. There is bitterness, sadness, and pain from loss in her words. Both Oleksii, and them as a couple, and herself as a wife, as a woman who fell in love. Her heart could have been filled with joy, but now it is a black wasteland.

"I miss Lyosha indescribably, I just want to talk to him, tell him how I am doing, hold his hand, look into his clear eyes, hear him say: ‘I love you’. And although it hurts unbearably, if I had known this would happen even before, I would have gone through this path with Oleksii again. I would have chosen him again. And I am happy and grateful that such love happened in my life, because it is not given to everyone," her voice is growing more robust.

Dozens of people wrote to her after Oleksii's death. They shared their memories of how he taught, saved, supported, shared, and did not stand aside from other people's troubles. He was always eager to help.

It was the same with the eight puppies in the last position. He was looking for someone to give them to. He boasted to Ilona that one of them, the big-eared one, was the most drawn to him. He was such a gentle, calm pup. Ilona took him in memory of Oleksii. The rest were also taken in.

She still writes him messages. She still can't believe it. And it will take a long, long time.

Meanwhile, the oak tree in Vinnytsia Oblast has taken root. It's growing.