'The hardest part was not being able to defend myself’ – Stories of torture and recovery from captivity

She is currently undergoing rehabilitation at the The Mental Health Center is a subdivision of the UNBROKEN rehabilitation center, which operates as part of the local medical association Nº1 in LvivLviv Mental Health Center.

"The psyche of people who have been captured is deeply traumatized by forced isolation, torture, and humiliation. These people have repeatedly looked into the eyes of death and experienced very severe stress. In captivity, the level of danger and fear is so high that the conscience can no longer control the situation. There, a person survives thanks to the instinct of self-preservation, which is always a distrust of others and the situation. Therefore, after captivity, the psyche of former prisoners needs to be adapted to safe living conditions," says Oleh Bereziuk, head of the Mental Health Center.

What does it mean to adapt to life after captivity? Is the process of adaptation the same for men and women? What situations should be avoided in order not to remind a person of the threats of captivity? Why does one need a psychotherapist after captivity?

hromadske went to Lviv to talk to the specialists of the Mental Health Center and its patients to find out what kind of help from psychotherapists former prisoners need.

From euphoria to depression

Everyone who has been in the clutches of the Russians has their own story. However, according to Mariana Mamonova, a soldier who has been held in Russian captivity, they all go through the same path when they return home. Its initial stage is the euphoria of sudden freedom. More than two years have passed since Mariana's release, and now she is helping military personnel, former prisoners of the Kremlin, as a psychotherapist.

"The first month at home after my captivity was very busy: I baptized my friends' children, went to weddings, accepted invitations to birthdays. I was constantly going somewhere to visit someone, there were always events," says Timur, a former officer of the 36th Brigade who spent more than two years in captivity.

"I want to catch up with everything I missed in captivity – modern fashion, shops, theaters, walks. Everything is interesting, everything makes me happy, I want to know about everything," adds Iryna, a former cook with the Azov Regiment who spent two and a half years in captivity.

Mariana Mamonova says that this joy of life lasts about two months. A person strives to realize everything they dreamed of in captivity. And then the euphoria ends.

"In captivity, you threw all your resources at surviving. And now you start analyzing the situation, and the experience depresses you. A person falls into depression and avoids communication. But it's not society that a person wants to escape from, but rather from themselves. A person begins to respond to misunderstanding from family and friends with aggression. Sometimes it seems to me that people who have returned from captivity do not know for a long time how they want to be communicated with. Because they don't know who they are now and how much captivity has changed them," says Mariana. In the spring of 2022, she was taken prisoner as a doctor with the 36th Brigade and was released almost six months later, just four days before she was due to give birth.

According to her, the real state of the former prisoner's traumatized psyche manifests itself through depression, the desire for solitude, and aggression.

"And this is normal. This is how the body signals its emotional and mental exhaustion. At this point, it is imperative to see a psychotherapist to go through this stage with them. It is very difficult to overcome these problems on your own," says Mariana.

But the mere fact of seeing a therapist does not guarantee success. The former prisoner needs to be willing to be sincere and frank in conversations with a specialist. And this is a problem.

"Russians quickly teach you not to trust anyone. In captivity, you develop the habit of keeping silent in order not to get beaten up, not to be reported," says Vadym, an officer with the 35th Brigade who spent more than two years in captivity.

According to Oleh Bereziuk, the conditions of captivity undermine one of the most basic human experiences – trust in oneself, in other people, in the environment, in one's feelings, even in one's body.

Therefore, it is very important to restore this trust. First of all, through a "bridge of trust" with a psychotherapist.

"At the beginning of communication with a psychotherapist, people talk about everything except their experiences in captivity. They seem to deny their traumatic experience. They don't want to remember what they went through so much that they have memory loss. That's why you don't have to talk to them about captivity right away. You just need to talk about what they want to talk about. But gradually, we still return to this traumatic experience. We have to remember everything, relive it, cry, accept it, and let it go – that's how it works. It's a long process," says Mariana Mamonova.

"Women need beauty, men need a gym"

According to Oleh Bereziuk, one of the most effective methods of working with former prisoners is prolonged exposure therapy. This is when the patient, together with a therapist whom they already trust, returns to the most dramatic episodes of their traumatic experience.

"But with a therapist, they are already re-living them in a safe environment. Gradually, the experience is comprehended as a story from the past. It moves from the actual memory to the ‘archival’ memory, which has no emotions. From time to time, the patient will be able to actualize this story for themselves, like tears in a cemetery. And then, once again, relegate the memory to a painless archive. In other words, the point is that a person can control their emotions about past events," explains Bereziuk.

Vadym deliberately does not talk about his captivity with his parents, believing that they have had enough pain and emotions. He does not want to tell his friends about his captivity. But he does tell Mariana Mamonova. Because she can give advice that is really helpful.

"Mariana went through captivity herself. She understands me. I talked to her a lot about how the Russians abused me when they found out that I had been fighting them since 2014. The hardest thing is that I, a soldier, could not defend myself, because as soon as I ‘snap’, the torture increases. They abuse you, and you just stand there silently and follow their commands. Mariana said that my behavior in that situation was justified because it allowed me to survive. So I survived, returned to the brigade, and will fight again. And this is the main thing. After talking to Mariana, it's easier for me to remember all that now, I've talked to her," Vadym says.

At first, after returning, he was afraid to talk to people. Now he is not afraid to express his opinion and does not avoid people. On the contrary, on Mariana's advice, he seeks out communication with them.

"I started going out, going to the movies, cafes, and consciously making friends, and it worked. My irritation and bouts of aggression are less frequent. I realized that people are not to blame for my captivity. Captivity is an episode of life, and it has already passed, and life goes on. By the way, Mariana taught me how to extinguish aggression – she advised me to think about something pleasant in life. She said that since such thoughts helped me to hold on in captivity, they would help me after captivity as well. I tried it and it really works, it distracts me," Vadym says.

Timur also avoids talking about captivity with his family.

"They will cry, but I need professional help instead of tears. In a conversation with Mariana, I want to find out for myself how to live my life. Should I demobilize now or return to the army? Mariana explained to me that I will never be able to forget the captivity, but I have to draw conclusions from my experience. I've already made one: don't put anything off until tomorrow, because tomorrow may not come," says Timur.

According to him, he is currently plagued by guilt towards his fellows: here he is with his family, well-fed, and safe, while they are being beaten in captivity, desperate for a mere piece of bread.

"The thought of them does not allow me to enjoy life. Why was I exchanged and not them? How do I get them out? Psychotherapists tell me that my guilt makes me empathize with those guys and that this is how it should be. In general, I can talk to Mariana about anything – politics and relations with civilians. After these conversations, my mind clears up," Timur says.

Iryna is now very much haunted by memories of Russian cruelty in captivity – how can you abuse living beings for fun? Not giving them water for eight days? Beat them? Forbid women to perform hygiene procedures?

"Psychotherapists help make these memories less painful. They don't force me to be honest, they don't demand answers if I don't want to talk. They talk to me very carefully, as if I were a fragile crystal vase. It really makes me feel better. I am no longer under supervision, I am my own boss, I am at home, and my child is with me," says Iryna.

What she especially likes about working with psychotherapists is that they do not feel sorry for her, but live through every difficult episode with her.

According to Mariana Mamonova's observations, women's rehabilitation is faster than men's. According to the psychotherapist, various beauty treatments play a big role in this.

"They help women regain the femininity they lost in captivity and become attractive to themselves again. They awaken in women the desire to be appealing and to enjoy life's pleasures. Men, on the other hand, respond better to physical exertion in the gym. At our center, they spend 3-4 hours lifting weights, accompanied by their own triumphant shouts. It genuinely helps them. I think it taps into some deep, innate male instincts—to be warrior beings and to conquer," remarks Mariana.

A healing touch

"When they were taking us to the bathhouse, they stripped us naked, put sacks over our heads, and we had to walk along the corridor like that. We were naked, and the convoy was made up of men. The convoy looks at you, the prisoners look at you," Tetiana recalls.

Mariana calls this practice of the Russians a form of rape because it is done against the will of the women prisoners.

"Forced undressing, torture is devaluing a person through their body. The only way to survive this situation is to ignore the pain of your body, to abstract from it. For the process of rehabilitation after captivity to be successful, we need to restore a person's trust in their body so that it ceases to be an object of abuse. One of the methods is the so-called body therapy. This is a way of interacting with the human psyche through the body because it absorbs information about the traumatic experience," explains physical therapist Lev Shpunt.

In particular, this involves special slow movements performed on the human body. They are almost invisible to the eye, but the body feels them very well and "thaws" thanks to them.

During this procedure, the palm and fingers are lightly pressed against the shoulders. If the patient reacts positively to the touch, the physical therapist begins to touch the legs, arms, abdomen, back, and head.

"A person begins to open up, to realize their body. Feelings of danger and fatigue disappear, and a person can even fall asleep. Some people relax so much that they finally start crying for the first time in many years. And the manifestation of emotions is important, without it, a person will not live through their trauma," explains Lev Shpunt.

Unfortunately, Iryna, Tetiana, and Timur did not find the strength for body therapy. Vadym went to one session and gave it up in favor of the gym. Art therapy, with its ability to transfer experiences to paper, has not yet attracted my interlocutors either. (By the way, Oleh Bereziuk explained why patients are asked to draw on a black background during art therapy. Because black is perceived in many cultures as a refuge for the unconscious. When a person draws, it's as if he or she is releasing his or her unconscious experiences in order to finally realize them...)

"We keep in mind that mental rehabilitation is always individualized. But I would recommend psychotherapy, body and art therapy, working with clay, sports to former prisoners – these are the things that will help them normalize their mental state," Mamonova says.

Captivity catches up

Concrete bollards with metal chains to block the road for cars are a common element of the cityscape. For Iryna, they evoke a strong association with captivity.

"These chains ring like handcuffs. I hear this sound, and I say to myself: ‘No, it can't be that you're in captivity again, calm down, you're home’. But I experience a few terrifying moments at the same time," says Iryna.

Vadym and Timur, who were tortured by Russians with electric shocks, instantly distinguish the sounds of peaceful life from those that resemble the sound of a stun gun being turned on, and they experience horrible moments. They react to dog barking in the same painful way – they subconsciously expect that the next moment a sheepdog will knock them to the ground to the laughter of the guards, and they will experience the feeling of absolute defenselessness again. 

"Or a snap of the fingers – this sound also makes everything inside freeze. Because with this click, we in the cell gave each other a signal that the guard was looking through the peephole of the door, and this threatened each of us," Timur says.

"It's very hard for me to hear someone playing with keys in my pocket now. Because when a ‘pig’ stood by the bars and banged with the keys, it meant that the bars would be opened, Russian specialists would enter the cell, and fun would be unleashed," Vadym explains.

According to Mariana Mamonova, even very high-quality communication with a psychotherapist cannot permanently protect former prisoners from periodic lapses into aggression, negative emotions, and depression. People may have sudden, very strong feelings of past experiences throughout their lives. Captivity will periodically catch up with them.

"For example, I am triggered by the smell of cigarettes because the guards smoked. Now I can't go into the ward when I smell cigarettes. It feels like I'm suffocating. My heartbeat is accelerating. I want to find a place where I can feel safe – I just want to run out, but not stay in a place where I smell cigarettes," Mariana says.

She notes that with the help of a psychotherapist, former prisoners need to learn how to survive such periods. In particular, Mariana advises patients to associate sounds that remind them of captivity with sounds of a peaceful, safe life. For example, loud screams with noisy, cheerful children playing on the playground. According to Timur, he almost succeeds...

"Yes, captivity will catch up with me from time to time. But in the process of rehabilitation, it is very important how a person uses the experience of captivity. You don't have to start from the position of 'I'm wretched and miserable, why did I have to go through all this trouble'. You can use this experience to help others. For example, I, a battalion doctor, learned the profession of a psychotherapist after my captivity. I need to tell myself: yes, I have experienced or have experienced difficult, complicated things. But it was the result of my conscious decision to go to the front. Ask yourself if you would make a different choice if you were back in February 2022. Most likely not," says Mariana.

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Do you know what surprises former prisoners of war the most in civilian life? People. People who complain about prices, the weather, lack of money, or lack of work.

"People, come to your senses. You don't know what it means to have problems. Appreciate life," Iryna tells everyone.