“My mother and I talked about my sexual orientation only once.” Interview with military Mariia Zhmud

Mariia Zhmud, 25, is a radio operator in a mechanized brigade. She signed a contract with the Armed Forces in 2021. Last summer, she worked in Druzhkivka, Donetsk Oblast, and survived a missile attack on a hangar. Mariia is an open lesbian. The unit knows about her sexual orientation.

The soldier told hromadske about self-acceptance, service, concussion, fear at war, and her relationship with her mother. Here is her direct speech.

I could run to my father and smoke with him

I was born in the town of Mlyniv in Rivne Oblast. As a child, I was a quiet, poster girl, singing in the church choir. My parents divorced when I was eight. Because of resentment towards my father, my mother did not want me to communicate with him. But I was friends with my father.

I was 15 years old. In the choir, I was put next to the person who made us fail the performance. I came to my father angry and unkind. I remember that he was smoking red Pryluky cigarettes. So I went over, took a cigarette from his mouth, sat down next to him, and started smoking. He just looked at me. I said: “You should have educated me earlier”.

I used to run away from home when I was fighting with my mother and go to my father. When he saw that I was sad, he would put down an ashtray and say: “Have a smoke and then tell me about it.”

My mother was always strict. She once told me: “I'm not your friend, I'm your mom.” And I wanted her to be a friend. So now my mom knows almost nothing about me.

At the age of 19, I fell in love with a girl

I entered a local college to become an accountant. I did not know about my orientation, I dated guys. Then I entered the university in Lutsk to study economics. I started to realize who I was and what I wanted from life.

When I was 19, I fell in love for the first time with a girl from my group. She was very smart. We talked to each other. But she was heterosexual, so it didn't work out. But thanks to her, I realized that I liked girls. A few years later, I thanked her for that.

This realization was difficult for me. I was scared, I didn't understand what was happening to me. All my life I had liked guys, and here I was, feeling attracted to a girl. At some point, I got depressed. I didn't know how to behave or with whom to communicate.

I was not familiar with the LGBT community. I only knew that there were such people. I saw pride parades on TV. I read about lesbians and gays on the Internet. I met Yana Lys, an LGBT activist, and coordinator of the NGO Insight in Lutsk. Yana is a transgender woman, a lesbian. When we met, I didn't know what to ask her, I was afraid to offend her.

Back in 2019, the LGBT community in Lutsk was just being created. But we had many such people. I met them and talked to them. I found those who understood me. And over time, it became easier.

After the coming-out, my mother did not talk to me for three days

I don't like it when people tell me I'm evil because I like girls. Yes, I do like them – I feel good, comfortable with them, and I don't see myself with a man. At all.

I believe in God, but not in religion. Because it's just a money grab. What the Bible says about LGBT people is my favorite topic. I like to talk about it with some pious person. I ask them to show me where in the Bible it says that same-sex love is bad. And they fall silent.

My mother always had this position: “I have nothing against it.” But! We talked about my orientation only once. It was a phone conversation. After that, my mom didn't talk to me for three days, and we dropped the subject. She believes that one day I will find a boyfriend, get married, and have 15 children.

My father died four years ago. My mom left for Germany after the war started. We are three thousand kilometers apart, and now we have a better relationship.

All commanders signed the LGBT flag

Sometimes I felt uncomfortable because of stereotypes about lesbians. People would say to me: “You don't look like a lesbian at all.” I'm in the army, so maybe I should cut my military pants and make shorts?

However, I was lucky, because I did not feel overt homophobia towards me. Many of my friends have drifted away, but I'm not sure if it's because of coming out. Being a lesbian in Ukraine is not difficult for me. I can live a normal life, and no one should care about my personal life.

Society has changed a bit. I think the war contributed to this. People have become more loyal to LGBT people. But for the whole society to accept LGBT people, the sovok (Soviet Union mentality – ed.) needs to die out.

Apart from my mother, I did not tell anyone in my family about my orientation. And somewhere around the beginning of the war, I started to open up to my cousins. I thought maybe it would be my last word.

In 2019, I was engaged in social media activism and volunteering. It was interesting, it seemed like I could do anything. Now I think more about what to say and to whom. Partly because I want to have a career in a place where LGBT people are not particularly well accepted.

When I was recruited, a young lieutenant showed me around the unit. I told him about myself. I told him to keep it a secret, of course. But he told the others. There was no hate, everyone treated me adequately. They said: “To each his own”.I got all my commanders to sign the LGBT flag and sent it to Insight in Lutsk.

There is no homophobia in the army, but there is inequality. For example, the concept of gender equality is very popular in the army. But no one understands what it means. You ask a guy: “Could you please bring me a bag?” He says: “Everyone has equal rights.” But when it comes to cleaning, it's a woman's job.

I walked seven kilometers one way in armor with an assault rifle

After graduation, I worked at several banks, then at an enterprise. But I had been thinking about the army for a long time, talking to the military. I had my doubts, but I wanted a stable job and salary. In November 2021, on my mother's birthday, I signed a three-year contract.

I was sent to the city of Volodymyr in Volyn, to a mechanized brigade. And my life turned upside down.

At the training center near Lviv, I got up at four in the morning and walked seven kilometers in one direction with my armor, helmet, and assault rifle. It's hard, but you get used to it over time.

When the war broke out, I did not regret joining the army.

Three days before the invasion, I injured my leg

Three days before the full-scale war, I jumped into a trench at the training ground in Starychi. I landed on level ground, but I should have bent my leg. I sprained my ligaments and was at the hospital with my leg bandaged.

I will never forget the day when I woke up at 5 a.m. to screams: “The war has started!” On the same day, we were taken to a training ground in Rivne Oblast. They left me there, my leg was put in a cast, and the rest of the brigade went to the East. I stayed there for two months, but my leg was not fully healed.

In April, I was sent to Kharkiv Oblast. I did not finish my training, but they needed people. We were settled in a medical center. A house in the village, seven girls. I was in a panic. I made mistakes, I was scolded for it, and that's how I learned.

My task was to report information to the top management. There were day and night five-hour shifts. Sometimes we had to get up at three in the morning, at five. The rhythm was lost. I slept for two or three hours. I lived like that for almost a year.

The notion of Donbas caused fear

I remember the moment when I realized where I was. There were positions not far from us, and a Russian came running and opened fire on them with an RPG. Our fighters survived. One of them was shell-shocked, and the other got hit in the eye. And one more was taken to a psychiatric hospital. When he was brought there, he was screaming – he couldn’t cope with it. He went through Kyiv, Mykolaiv, and Pripyat, and this time he couldn't stand it.

In May, we moved to Druzhkivka in Donetsk Oblast. The very concept of “Donbas” made me scared, because I had been reading about what was happening there for nine years. But it was not bad. I communicated with the girls only at work. It was hard – I had no one to talk to. But no one tried to talk to me.

After the missile attack, I wanted to live

On June 20, one of our guys had a birthday: he was to turn 22. It was a sunny day, and we were getting ready to celebrate. I was going out for a smoke. But something stopped me. At that moment there was an explosion.

A missile hit our hangar in Druzhkivka. There was a dull thud, and the windows shattered. My colleague's phone fell out of her hand and she bent down to pick it up. If not for that, her head would have been blown off. We came out, and everything was broken, everything was on fire. I had blood on my face. Foreign journalists arrived immediately, I don't know when they managed to. We were featured in the New York Times.

After shell-hitting, I wanted to live so much! In the hospital, I was diagnosed with a mild concussion. My head hurt terribly. I still have problems with my left ear.

The next morning, we were taken to another house in Druzhkivka. We were supposedly resting there for two months. It was a place where it hit even harder.

The mice were so brazen that they chewed on the doctor's gloves

Later we returned to Kharkiv Oblast, and in September to Kharkiv. One morning I went out on the porch and saw seven missiles flying toward the city. They hit a residential building, killing a family. And they also hit the hospital. That was probably the first time I cried.

Then we moved again, to a village outside of Kupiansk. We lived at the railway station, on cots, with mice. They were so brazen that they chewed on our doctor's gloves.

An elderly couple was with us. Their house was destroyed by a missile. We fed them a little and bought them medicine. Their daughter and granddaughter went to Kupiansk during the occupation to withdraw their grandmother's pension. They were taken away by the Russians. Nobody knows what happened to them.

We spent six months at that station. We celebrated New Year and Christmas there: we put up a Christmas tree and gave each other gifts. There was not enough space. Whenever I had the opportunity to go to Kharkiv, I asked for it. I rented an apartment and just slept there.

Last month I was transferred to another department. I can't tell you anything about my work there.

The servicemen are getting tired, we need rotations

It's crazy when the front is seen as a form of punishment. This is unfair to the military, especially those who have been there for years. They put so much effort into their service, and they send a person who raped someone there. If he has committed a crime, he must face the law, because he will return from the war with a clear conscience, benefits, and the status of a combatant. With the same rights as me.

But I support the mobilization of evaders. We are at war, the servicemen are getting tired, and there should be rotations. If there is no rest for us, I don't know who will raise the country after the war.

I am scared. We believed when Arestovych said that everything would be over in two or three weeks. Then I believed that it would be over by the end of the year. And now the rose-colored glasses are off. I don't know what will happen next.

I don't like it when people bow at my feet because I'm a military officer. I just do my job. I am the only one in my family who serves. Before, my cousins did not communicate with me, but now they text and tell others about me. I do not accept this, because they did not care about me before. I have become tougher. I don't care about other people's emotions and problems. The war taught me to think about myself.

Author: Liliia Zaretska