“My only motivation was the desire to have sex again.” How wounded veterans return to their intimate lives

Mykola and Kateryna had their first sex after his injury while he was still rehabilitating. That day, Mykola said he wanted intimacy, and Kateryna reciprocated. He was afraid, but she took her time and was very attentive.

“I was worried because my legs were still healing [after amputation], and the soft tissues were just recovering. I was afraid of causing even more pain,” Kateryna says.

Mykola adds, “It was a game on the edge of pain, discomfort, and pleasure.”

How do the military go back to their sex lives after being wounded, and what should their partners be prepared for? 

“It turns me on — I can feel the masculine power”

Mykola was wounded in 2024 in the village of Terny, on the border between the Donetsk and Luhansk regions. The result was an above-knee amputation of both legs.

He had the first conversation with his wife about sex while he was still in intensive care. He said, “I don't know if [my penis] will work after the injury.” The couple decided to just wait and see.

Although Mykola wasn’t experiencing sexual arousal, he was strongly attracted to Kateryna. He asked her to go to movies and restaurants without him, so that she could experience emotions and then share them with him. He says that inspired him.

Mykola wanted Kateryna to always be by his side. As someone who understood him. To feel trust, as if they were a single organism.

“From day one, I tried to touch him where it was possible and comfortable,” says Kateryna. “But at first, even a light touch or movement near his legs caused discomfort, so we were very careful. And Mykola said, ‘It's not that I don't want you, I just don't understand what’s going on with my body.’”

Kateryna says the most important thing for women in a situation like this is to give their partners time, be thoughtful and gentle, “The body has changed, but it has changed for the better. If you understand how to interact, everything is fine.”

For the first two weeks after the amputation, Mykola totally accepted everything Kateryna said about his appearance.

“He seemed to mirror my words because at the time, he couldn’t make objective, healthy opinions of himself. I kept telling him that he was handsome, that I was attracted to him, that I loved him. And I saw how it was making him stronger. This is a very vulnerable moment: you can become a great source of support, or you can accidentally traumatize a person,” she says.

She didn’t give much thought to what sex would be like after Mykola’s injury. She had no expectations. She considered intimacy a part of the rehabilitation process. So when the moment came, the couple took it in stride: if it happens, it happens; if not, no big deal, it will happen later.

“For the first few months, it was a pleasure on the verge of discomfort after sexual intercourse and during urination. After numerous tests, the doctors said that everything was normal and suggested that it was phantom pain that had spread to the genitals. Then it all went away,” says Mykola.

Sex changed for both of them, not only because of his injury, but also over the years in general. Now their intimacy is much more tender than it was at the beginning of their relationship.

Even before the injury, Mykola and Kateryna were thoughtful of each other's needs, but afterwards, honesty became their priority, because now they have to ask directly: is it comfortable or not, does it hurt or not?

Besides, Mykola can be in a wheelchair, on stubbies (short-stem prostheses), on knee prostheses, or without them at all. Those are additional “tools” for experiments. Depending on what he wears, both understand which positions will be more comfortable.

“When he's not wearing his prostheses, he can’t use his knees to support himself. He leans on his stumps, but that becomes really uncomfortable after some time. So he uses his arms more, and I can feel all his body strength when he’s on top. It turns me on, I can feel his masculine energy,” Kateryna says.

She emphasises that it's important to communicate with your partners and not tolerate anything that makes you uncomfortable:

“I know girls who keep quiet; they feel uncomfortable, but men like it, so they just go with it. I don't have that option. If the position isn't right, my body reacts immediately, so I have to speak up.”

Mykola (we talked via video call) looked at Kateryna and said he was filled with pride when she decided to stay with him:

“During our first meeting after my injury, I said, ‘You can be free. You are young, beautiful, promising.’”

Kateryna answered, laughing, “You're silly.”

“I admire my wife, who was there for me after my injury, who helped to establish our family values. I respect this experience so much that even a thought about it can turn me on,” says Mykola.

“It's not often that your first sexual experience is with a person with a disability”

Olena (the name is changed per interviewee request) started a relationship with Mykhailo while he was already in the army. It was the first romantic experience for them both. Back in 2022, Olena used to romanticize everything: the feeling of danger, the realization that tomorrow might never come. You have to live here and now.

A year later, Mykhailo was wounded during a counteroffensive in the Zaporizhzhia direction. He lost his right leg — it was amputated below the knee. At that time, he was 22 years old. He was determined to recover quickly and immediately started walking with crutches.

They tried to return to intimacy, taking one step at a time. “It started with simple things, like a walk holding hands. For me, it was like foreplay with a gradual build-up. It definitely didn't happen all at once,” says Olena.

Neither Olena nor Mykhailo had had sex before. So there was nothing to compare it to. She adds, “It's not often that your first sexual experience is with a person with a disability.”

“A very important moment is how to deal with an amputated limb. Can you look at it or not? Can you touch it or not? All other parts of the body were so familiar, but this area was just a blur,” Olena admits.

The tension eased when they discussed their feelings. A sign of trust was that Olena could touch the stump to care for the skin after the prosthesis. Allowing your partner to touch your most vulnerable place is an indicator of intimacy, Olena says.

However, the couple still felt uncomfortable discussing sex positions. But later, they started talking about it and found a solution. In particular, a prosthesis helped a lot.

"We did not consult specialists — psychologists or sexologists. I have my own psychotherapist, and I discussed some issues with him. But Mykhailo was very prejudiced against specialists," says Olena.

Over time, Mykhailo became more withdrawn, started mentioning his trauma more often, and intimacy felt mechanical, Olena says. This made her wonder, maybe she was the problem? The couple often argued, but was still trying to save their relationship.

Usually, the transition back to civilian life takes between a year and a year and a half. Mykhailo and Olena went through this stage together. Then comes a new cycle: rediscovering oneself, immersing in civilian life, searching for something new.

“People start to lead active lives, improve their relationships, find work, and make plans. But sometimes finding yourself means giving up your previous social connections and lifestyle,” says Olena.

The couple broke up recently.

“I had only one thought: when will I be able to have sex again?”

Ivan (the name is changed per interviewee request) joined conscription military service after graduating from vocational school, and after the start of the full-scale invasion, he signed a contract. He was 19 at the time. In March 2024, he was setting up a dugout in the Serebryanskyi Forest when he was shot by a sniper. The bullet hit his spinal cord.

The young man, who “could not imagine his life” without sex, suffered problems with defecation, urination, and ejaculation. Doctors worked on his spinal injury and on restoring his sexual function.

“I tried to touch myself, but I couldn't feel anything below my navel. It was like my arm was numb, and then I was getting this tingling sensation like goosebumps, and sometimes it hurt. But the desire didn't go away, and I had only one thought: when will I be able to have sex like before?” Ivan says.

Four and a half months after the start of treatment, when he already had an implant placed in his spine, Ivan was allowed to take a shower on his own. It was there that he realised that his erection had returned — not spontaneously, but because of sexual arousal.

“Later, I found the number of a sex worker to invite directly to the hospital. I spoke with the nurse, and she gave me the keys to a private room. And we conducted this ‘rehabilitation’ in the hospital,” says Ivan.

However, he did not feel anything at that time. That’s when he realised it was too early.

During the months that Ivan was confined to a hospital bed, he rarely had his hospital room to himself. That’s why, he says, he was so eager to move to the separate houses on the hospital grounds, where the soldiers continued their rehabilitation but had more personal space.

“I was training for a while to move into that house. So that I could carry a cup into the room myself and wash myself. It took me a month and a half. I had one goal in mind — to move into that little house so that I could invite someone there. That was my only motivation — not to [regain] strength or health,” says Ivan.

Ivan began to move on his own eight months after his injury. To this day, he uses a cane and walks with a limp. Ivan admits that he often faced prejudice: girls thought that if he had a spinal injury, he must have problems with sexual function.

“I don't know why. It's best to say as it is or hint at it by telling a story so that it's clear that everything works on my side. They rarely ask themselves. They must be shy,” says Ivan.

Ivan is not looking for a romantic relationship, but at the same time, he struggles to find a partner for regular sex. That's why sometimes he uses the services of sex workers. Some of them are certainly not ashamed to speak their mind.

“I take off my shirt — scars, marks from tubes. And she says, ‘Don't show me your back, I'm scared to look.’ And it makes me want to leave. Not because she's scared, but because of her bluntness. She could have kept quiet, smoothed things over, instead of saying, ‘You're scary,’” Ivan recalls.

So now he warns them that he has a disability and scars on his body. If a sex worker says no, he doesn't take it personally. He says it's better than getting undressed and hearing, “Oh my God.” By the way, Ivan usually pays at least 5,000 hryvnia for the services of sex workers.

In contrast, in personal encounters, girls often react to his scars with curiosity.

“They can run their fingers over them, examine them. Some even say that it excites them, like a tattoo. I don't know if it's true, but it's nicer than when they say, ‘Hide it,’” Ivan says.

Ivan still faces the problem of either ejaculating too quickly or, on the contrary, struggling to climax. But he doesn't make a big deal out of it, he says you shouldn't be shy about experimenting and using sex toys — they help.

Incidentally, American occupational therapists have created a guide called Sex and Intimacy for Wounded Veterans to help couples restore their sex lives after limb loss or serious genital injuries. For example, it includes tips for finding comfortable sex positions and choosing sex toys. The guide is available in Ukrainian.

This article was written as part of the Vidnova Lab programme, created by Commit gGmbH with financial support from the Robert Bosch Foundation.