Had to fight: Ukrainian defender reflects on returning to battlefield despite being held captive

"Back in 2014, I decided for myself: I have a country. Good or bad, I already have it. I have my symbols, including the city where I was born. And there are people: good or not so good, but they call themselves Ukrainians. And I will act based on what is happening around me, what is happening in the country. I don't care what anyone does or says. If this is a war, my choice is to fight and bring victory closer. Otherwise, I will betray myself," says Anatoliy Holovchenko, deputy company commander of the 47th Separate Mechanized Brigade “Magura”.

This 47-year-old man, who is demanding of himself and others, often names what is right and wrong. You can feel that this is his mettle, beliefs, and experience. And he fought a lot.

Aidar, captivity, and war again

A former miner from Luhansk Oblast, he has lived in Poltava since 2000. He worked as a climber on mobile phone towers. He loved traveling both within the region and further afield – new landscapes and new heights. And he loved Ukraine. That's why he went to defend it on March 3, 2014.

He fought in Aidar as a scout, and in June of the same year was captured by separatists.

"I was ambushed near Luhansk. [Ramzan] Kadyrov's units took me and my wounded comrade captive. There, the attitude towards the 'Aidar' was, uh... not very lenient. Chechens carved the word "Bandera" on one of the Ukrainian fighters' chest and then stabbed him to death. They tried to shoot me in the legs, but we were lying on a concrete floor, and they were afraid of a ricochet. And then the militia member ran for an axe as they wanted to chop off my toes. Luckily for me, shelling started. And I survived. After 31 days, we were exchanged," the fighter reluctantly recalls those terrible days.

I ask if there are any marks on the body from the torture.

"I have some: from a taser, a knife, pliers."

After several months of treatment, where his leg was luckily saved, the warrior returned to service.

"It was scary, of course. But when I went out into the city, I saw that many people don't care about that front, they don't understand or imagine what is happening in the east. There is a real war going on there, and here they faint at the sight of a draft sumons Someone has to protect my sons” (Anatoliy has two sons from his first marriage, which ended in 2018, and an adopted boy from his second marriage - ed.)

Over the years, he realized another thing about himself:

"If I had not returned to fight, I would have remained a prisoner of war forever. And this is a dishonor for me. I could not allow that to happen. It is better to be a warrior. And it's better to die a warrior than to be alive in the rear and feel like I was broken."

And when a soldier now sees that the guys in his company are demotivated, depressed, depressed, he explains it to them:

"The bad mood will pass, but if you refuse to fight and return home, I know for sure that you will eat yourself. Because you will remember one thing: you betrayed yourselves. You could not overcome your fear. I am gloomy and frowning by nature. But I realize where I am and demand that I do what we have to do."

How Robotyne was liberated: moving through minefields at own risk

In 2017, Holovchenko was demobilized and returned home to Poltava. But he knew there would be a big war. Although he distributed some equipment to his military friends, he kept his helmet and body armor. He went to the gym to prepare.

On February 24, 2022, he was dealing with family matters, and the next day he was already in Sievierodonetsk.

"Even though five years have passed, you immediately remember what it was like to fight. You want to live," he laughs into the phone. Now he is at a training ground somewhere in Zaporizhzhya Oblast. After Magura liberated the village of Robotyne in August, which had been occupied since the beginning of the invasion, Anatoliy got a break at home. A few days ago he returned to his unit: the brigade was being manned up.

The conversation is interrupted from time to time: either Anatoliy is called on the radio, or the connection is lost.

I ask him to recall how Robotyne was liberated.

"We were taking it three months long, because the Katsaps (Anatoliy uses only this word to describe the enemy; if you see another, the author added it on her own - ed.) had been there for a year and a half and were well entrenched. They built their posts, trenches, and positions competently and intelligently, and mined everything around them. Our command did not take everything into account, and it so happened that the first assaults were unsuccessful.

But later we changed our tactics, and it was our brigade that began to advance in small groups of infantry. Others were supposed to advance near my group on the right and left, but unfortunately, they were unable to get through the minefields. They kept retreating all the time. There were a lot of mines and tripwires. And why was the first assault of our brigade successful? Because we moved through the minefields at our own risk," Holovchenko says about the battle, in which he also took part as a platoon commander.

"Don't sappers go first?" I ask.

"Heh, heh," the officer laughs at my naivety. "Often people come with the attitude: wow, we'll tear everyone apart! And when they find themselves in reality with explosions and gunshots, and they have to move forward, some of them can't stand it. I am not saying that this is good or bad, but it happens.

In the first assault, there were four sappers ahead of us. One of them was wounded, I helped him, and he was sent back. The others said they would not move on, and I turned them around three times: ‘Go back!’ But they never made it to the end. They were not with us during the assault.

We took up our position. We took up the fight. Several Katsaps escaped, we killed a few, and took two prisoners. We took the position, that is, we snatched it from the Russians. And we organized the defense: we had to gain a foothold there, because they would want to take back the position. When we are fully entrenched, and it is ours for good (which can take several days), we plan the next operation. And so we are moving little by little from house to house."

One fighter lived in a village with Russians for a month, stealing their rations and damaging mortars

Anatoliy recalls the incidents that occurred during these three months.

"During one of the assaults, our comrade was injured. He was left alone. Stunned and confused, he wandered towards the village. And Robotyne was still under the Katsaps. When our guy came to his senses, he realized where he was and that he would not get out alive. There were Russians living in every house there. So he hid in the village for a month, spent the night somewhere, stole their rations, and damaged mortars by putting sand in them. And when we entered the village, he ran out to meet our Bradley, waving.

Another time, the Katsaps hit one of our combat vehicles. The mechanic got out, and he walked across the field, disoriented, and fell down. We tried to fly a drone to show him the way, but he did not understand. Then some guys, including our platoon commander, volunteered to go and pick him up on foot. And this was a field, an open space, 150-200 meters to the enemy. But my comrades took the risk, picked him up and brought him back."

I ask whether such brotherhood, mutual assistance, and actions are characteristic of war or are they possible in peaceful life.

"I don't heroize the military, as if everyone becomes a hero in war. No, they don't. It's just that there is a greater concentration of those who are heroes in real life. People who are capable of selfless acts are gathered in one place. And they would have behaved like heroes everywhere, even in peacetime, if someone was drowning, for example. It's just that in war there are more opportunities to prove yourself," the warrior explains.

On foreign equipment and characters that save lives

I enquire if the foreign equipment is really that awesome. Or do they give it to us on the principle of "you can have my hand-me-downs"?

"Despite the fact that this equipment is old and often breaks down, Bradley is really cool. They are great for protecting the crew and the troops inside. One of the vehicles hit five anti-tank mines and everyone inside survived. The Bradley was hit by Grad rockets and fired at from a tank - and again, all the crew survived. Unfortunately, we lost a lot of equipment. When a vehicle trips an anti-tank mine, it ‘loses its shoes’, meaning the tracks fall off. We have to leave it on the battlefield, and they finish it off. Until it burns down," Anatoliy sighs.

"What saves you and keeps you going during the war when you are angry, irritated, and have barely survived the evening? Humor?" I ask.

"I think it's the character. It is the reason why people survive. I had a case when we took a position and there was no replacement for four days. There was such a rush of adrenaline, we didn't eat, hardly slept all that time. We were so tense. And then the guys from other units started shouting: ‘That's it, we're fucked, they're going to kill us all, we have to flee’. And if they ran, they would have died. We were under such massive shelling that it would have been impossible to survive. We did not let them do that.

If there is a motivated person in the unit, someone with character, who thinks about how and what to organize (say, a successful assault), such a unit will fight. Such a person avoids conversations like ‘We are fodder’, ‘We will be killed’, ‘We are given meaningless tasks’ and starts to logically understand, justify what is involved, and explain to others. For example, I believe that the army has always been a mess and will always be a mess. It is wrong not to go to war because of this. We have to defend ourselves.

If there is no such leader with a grit, then these conversations will quickly take over all the heads, and soon the entire unit will be thinking about ‘betrayal’. The soldiers lose their spirits, become unfocused, indifferent, and are more likely to die," the soldier explains.

What scares the most is what to do after the victory

I ask him how he has changed during the war. Anatoliy says he has become more cynical, especially in matters related to losses.

"Guys are being killed, and I can be killed. But despite my thickened skin, there are cases that are shocking. A young man came to our unit. A few days later he asked to go home because his wife was giving birth to a daughter. He stayed with them for a week, came back, went on a mission the next day, and was killed. It's a pity that father and child never get to know each other," he exhales and then adds: "We will not forget anyone, we will honor them, but after the war. First, we have to win."

Anatoliy realizes that he has become different, his psyche has changed. And at certain moments he even thought that it would be better to die so as not to become a bad example for his children.

"I have recently returned from vacation, I was at home for two weeks, and after that I have two feelings. On the one hand, I've been very tired of the war since 2014, of inept orders and 'refuseniks'. Not physically tired, but morally tired. And it was good to be with my family, where I have a loving wife who does everything for me. On the other hand, I can't find myself at home.

I was experiencing again what happened in 2014 and 2017, when I was returning from the war. I didn't know where to put myself. Then I left the job I loved so much and started working for myself: I became an industrial climber, insulated and painted facades. You hang on the ropes, no one can get you. In every sense," he laughs and immediately admits: "What scares me the most is what to do after the victory.”

I want to feel gratitude and go fishing

Throughout our conversation, Anatoliy exuded self-control and calmness, no matter what we talked about - funny or scary. However, Anatoliy admitted that both he and his brothers-in-arms are annoyed by young healthy men outside bars.

"I think this is wrong. Similarly, there should be no indifference from civilians who see a man in uniform and ignore him. I would like to see at least a little gratitude and respect for the soldiers. You don't need a hand to the heart, a nod of the head, a ‘thank you’ or to be offered a place in line somewhere. I won't go, I don't need to, but I'll see some honor that way. It is important and pleasant for the military that people understand what we do and why.

But when there is emptiness in their eyes, when you realize that you are nobody to these people, that they don't care, it becomes very hard after that. And it's hard to motivate yourself again."

I ask what makes him happy, what relieves him.

"It is good to have a successful assault and to see our artillery shoot far and accurate. It is good to come back after a successful operation. I am not happy about torn bodies. My second degree is in theology (the first one was in pedagogy, physical education - ed.), and I am a believer. Somewhere in my heart, I feel humanly sorry for them (Russians).

But it is not difficult for me to combine love for humanity and hatred for my enemies. People who really study the Bible know that we have the right, the ability, even the obligation to defend ourselves with arms. This is not murder. It is the defense of one's country. And many Christians justify their fear and unwillingness to go to war with the commandments ‘thou shalt not kill’ and ‘turn the other cheek’.

Fishing relieves me too. I'll sit down after a fight and watch YouTube videos of hooks, boats, and echo sounders. Then I forget about everything. I dream of going fishing."

Last year, Anatoliy brought home a kitten. Now it is a cat weighing more than 5 kg.

"So these are your achievements in the war?" I joke.

"Yes, exactly!" he laughs back.