"Veterans also want to have sex": how to return to sexual life after being wounded
The first thing wounded soldiers often ask in hospitals is whether their genitals are intact. Some people try to have sex in the hospital, while others need more time to recover, and this may be related not only to physical trauma but also to their mental state. Is there sex after an injury? In Ukraine, this topic is still little researched and taboo. hromadske, together with veterans and researchers, tried to lift the curtain.
"Everyone does it"
We met 32-year-old Rodion Trystan at the Veteran Hub in Kyiv. The veteran has an eye patch over his right eye. While walking to the organization's office, strangers on the street reminded him twice about his injury. Children shouted, "One-eyed man!" and young people said, "Hello, Pirates of the Caribbean!" This kind of attitude slowed down his rehabilitation.
"Still, the most difficult thing (it may sound a bit infantile) is that the problem is not me. The problem is working on self-confidence and accepting oneself because it's challenging when people point at your disability and consider you a second-class citizen. I have found harmony and balance with myself; the main problem is public perception," says Rodion.
Rodion went to the front line with the Ukrainian Volunteer Corps in 2015. He was wounded during a battle at the Butivka mine. He lost an eye and has scars on his face. At the beginning of the full-scale invasion, Rodion went to war again. This time as a member of the 72nd Brigade. Soon, he was sent to a military qualification commission and declared unfit for service. Now, he works as a lawyer and recently participated in a Veteran Hub research on the difficulties veterans face when returning to sexual life after being wounded.
"Sexual life is generally considered a taboo topic in Ukraine. We don't talk about it, it's regarded as something for 'grins and giggles', it's something people turn their gaze from. The second aspect is that we have a group of people who gave their health while defending Ukraine, and they face many problems," Rodion reflects.
He himself had to reinvent his sexuality.
"When you have a disfigured face and your right side was literally reassembled from pieces and is covered in scars, it's hard to see yourself as still attractive. But when you stop beating yourself up, the situation improves significantly. For me, the reinvention of my sexuality happened because I still have a rather sexy left side of my face and charisma."
The veteran says his problems were more psychological and required work on self-esteem. But it can be more difficult to return to sexual life for service members who have lost their limbs.
"It's a normal part of a healthy relationship," Rodion says of the importance of sex. "Everyone has it. War veterans who have sacrificed part of their health for Ukraine also want to have sex. However, they may face various obstacles, both psychological and physiological. Sometimes, it can be unclear how to exist in a new condition."
In Ukraine, there is little information about sex after injury and even less research and understanding of this area. The Veteran Hub, a support network for service members and their families, launched a platform about the sexual life of service members after injury called Resex and conducted their own research.
"When I woke up after surgery, I immediately checked my genitals"
The question of how often military personnel have problems with sex after being wounded is most likely a rhetorical one, as no one in Ukraine keeps medical statistics. Although the Veteran Hub research is not representative, it allows us to understand the problems the service members face after being wounded. The researchers recorded and analyzed 37 interviews with wounded service members, female and male veterans, and their partners.
"Yes, we can't talk about the prevalence of these phenomena, but we can make generalizations and look at trends, form hypotheses, and observe certain phenomena," explains Olha Fokaf, the project's chief researcher.
One of these conclusions is the importance of sexual life for the well-being and rehabilitation of soldiers after injury.
"When I woke up after the surgery, I immediately checked my genitals – they were in place. Phew! I'm returning to fight and bought a shrapnel-proof apron to cover my groin. If my legs were blown off, I could live with that, but my genitals must be intact. I wish my legs and penis were intact. My friend got a piece of shrapnel in his testicle ... It just sounds so fucking painful. He managed to have a child and is sexually active. Some people are not so lucky. That's it," said one of the service members who participated in the anonymous Veteran Hub research.
After being injured, service members learn to live in a new body and can rethink how they perceive it.
"When a person experiences constant pain, it naturally affects how they feel, the intensity of their desire, and their physical ability to have sex conventionally. And if this is no longer possible (meaning the conventional way to have sex - ed.), and the person does not yet know how to do it better, this affects the decrease of sexual desire - ed.), causes depression, etc. When we have something that hurts - let's say a tooth - we are definitely not happy people, we don't want the things we usually do, we want this pain to end. Some traumas are associated with chronic pain. You have to learn to live with it, you have to undergo psychotherapy," explains Tetiana Rudenko, a cognitive behavioral therapist, and founder of the Free Choice (Ukr. «Вільний Вибір» – ed.) organization.
If a service member sees his injury as something that makes a happy life impossible forever, it will be more difficult for them to return to relationships.
"Then a person feels that way and, accordingly, does or does not do something to make this life better: they do not try to lead an active life, reject close people because they think they are somehow broken. Accordingly, the possibility of building relationships, including sexual life, also decreases," says the therapist.
The disorders, such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder, which veterans may have, also have an impact. However, the Veteran Hub research does not definitively answer how often trauma reduces self-esteem. Some service members did consider themselves less sexually attractive. Instead, Rodion Trystan reinvented his sexuality, and his self-confidence helped him feel attractive again.
"My sexuality is probably not only based on how my face looks. And so this was the impetus for me to improve my sex life in a fairly short period. In my case, I should have had more psychological problems because physiological ones - I have a missing eye and a visual impairment - are not so critical for sexual intercourse, and given that I wear an eyepatch, it adds mystery and hides the scars," the veteran says.
Interestingly, the partners of wounded veterans noted in this study that they did not consider their partners less sexually attractive. Only a few respondents perceived their partner during rehabilitation as a person with an injury or as "another child" rather than a sexual partner.
"They told us to have sex, but no one told us how"
Some survey respondents had sex in the hospital, and dysfunction occurred later, while for others, it took a long time to return to sexual life.
"Watching porn used to cause emotions. Now, it doesn't. There is no need," said one of the service members who complained of a decrease in libido.
Some, on the contrary, wanted sex even more.
"It did not decrease (libido - ed.) but rather increased because the body felt a threat to life. Usually, it activates the reproduction function. That is, it increases a priori. Yes, my desire has grown. But this is regarding the period after the injury when I was already in a more or less conscious state. When you are constantly under painkillers or anesthesia, you don't think about anything. You are in a kind of frustration. And in a more or less conscious state, it is activated," said the research participant.
The researchers identified a transitional period when the military and their partners were reacquainting themselves with their bodies and intimate relationships. Some experimented during this time, while others worried about every detail or did not immediately enjoy sex.
"We cannot say that an injury is a stigma or an end of a relationship. We have seen a diversity of experiences of different respondents in terms of how they return (to sexual life - ed.). Even people with lower limb amputations said this was not an obstacle for them. The only thing that changes is physical accessibility, mobility in positions," says Olga Fokaf.
The research author suggests that sex has deteriorated in those couples where one of the partners has recently been wounded and has not yet adapted to the new condition. Among the reasons, the military themselves most often mentioned their psycho-emotional state, and their partners talked about a decrease in diversity and initiative on the part of their partners. Both groups also talked about physical limitations associated with the injury.
"I was very much bothered by this structure in my arm, these bandages, plasters, stitches, all that was in my blood. First of all, I did not like this thing. Secondly, it constantly distracted me. Thirdly, it hurt. I focused more on my wound. I did not want to show my girlfriend my injury and tried to move my arm away. Add to that my constant distraction when she was accidentally touching it. It was just very painful. I saw myself only without this limb. My self-image was fine. But the image of a separate part of the body wasn't. I tried to think of it less," the service member said.
Some of the respondents had recovered their libido, while others did not. Still, most respondents said that sex had become better or at least not worse. They also described that after sex, they began to listen to their bodies more carefully.
"Greater attraction to each other, even greater intimacy during sex. And I think that during this time we got a little used to each other, got to know each other better, who likes what. I think it is why the quality of our sexual life has increased. That is, it has become a more enjoyable process. We began to pay more attention to her orgasm," the service member shared his experience.
Rodion Trystan, like most veterans, had to learn how to return to sexual life after being wounded: no one in hospitals talked to him about it or gave him any recommendations.
"As of today, there is a rather weak initiative on the part of state institutions to provide psychological support, rehabilitation, and recreation for military personnel. Moreover, it is not even close to the topic of sex. Our military are often left alone with their problems," says Rodion.
Other soldiers also noted that they miss talking about sex with doctors.
"They told us to have sex, but no one told us how. If we are talking about the technical part, it is very important. Unfortunately, the guys pass it on by word of mouth," the service member said.
"The most important advice is to try and not give up"
Most of the research participants adapted to the changes in their sexual lives in six months. Respondents noted that trust in their relationships helped them to return to sex. Rodion Trystan, based on his own experience, recommends that wounded people accept themselves and work on their confidence. And he advises their partners:
"Remember why you started your relationship with this person, why you liked them, why you were happy with them, and you will realize that you are facing the same person. The person who was with you before hasn't disappeared: they have moved into a slightly different state, they haven't become worse. Just accept them."
The Veteran Hub has developed manuals with recommendations for male and female service members on how to return to sexual life after being wounded. They offer detailed advice on everything from how to revive a couple's relationship to how to choose the right toys or sex positions depending on the injury.
"Nothing changes. If your genitals are not torn off, then, in fact, nothing will change, everything will be fine," said one of the study participants.
The material was created with the support of "Mediaset"
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