“I don’t want the war to end, then my dad will not be killed” — 11-year-old daughter of a missing soldier

“She said: ‘It's hard for me, mom’. She doesn't want me to print out other photos of him, doesn't want any frames. She has many photos of them in her phone. She rarely opens them. She hardly ever talks about him. Because she can't cope with the overwhelming feelings. She avoids them.

Her father has been gone for almost a year. He went on a combat mission and disappeared. It is difficult to explain what adults feel when they are looking for their loved ones. What a child feels is even harder to explain. She is waiting. She does not touch the memories, but keeps them.

One day I was avoiding a traffic jam and drove down a street in our town that I don't usually use. ‘Mom, I used to walk here with my dad because it's the shortest way to his house from the center. Don't drive here for now.’ I don't go down that street with her. But I come there by myself. I stop there. And I mentally address my child's father. I tell him how she is growing up, how she is getting on my last nerve, how she is stubbornly achieving her goals, how deeply intelligent and sensitive she is growing up.

The first photo in Orysia's life was taken with her father. I really want to take more and more of them...”

The mother and daughter agreed to entrust their difficult feelings to hromadske. We included a psychotherapist's commentary on how to talk to children whose parents are missing.

Dad Ihor: “We are surrendering”

Maryna met Ori's father (the girl's family name) on television. They both worked there: she as an editor, and Ihor as a lighting technician. The stormy romance started quickly. A daughter was born soon after. Both parents were overjoyed.

The marriage did not last long, but Maryna and Ihor maintained a warm relationship. She remarried, and her ex-husband often visited their daughter.

When the invasion began, Orysia's father and stepfather went to war.

There is a photo of Ori's last meeting with his father. He ran into the yard where we live. He already knew that he was going to the frontline, so he hugged her. We hugged each other too and wished each other good luck. Ihor went to the front in the Kupiansk district, and I went to the hospital for surgery because I had thyroid cancer.Maryna Hostra, Orysia's mother

Ihor kept in touch with his ex-wife and supported her through texting. She knew where he was and what was happening to him. He served as a machine gunner, so he sent photos of himself with a machine gun.

But on August 5, 2023, the soldier texted that he was going on a mission, so the connection might be cut off for 2-3 days. She replied: “God bless you”.

Two days later, one of Ihor's comrades called her. He said there was a fight. A long battle.

Maryna recalls: “He told me that Ihor was the last one to get on the radio: ‘We are running out of munition, we will surrender’.”

And that was it. Silence to this day. It is now known that nine people went to the battle with Ihor. The fact that one of the soldiers is in captivity is clear from the message that was officially sent to the Red Cross.

Maryna sighs: “They don't know where he is, don't know his health condition, but at least he's alive.”

The family of another soldier received a letter written in his hand. He wrote in Russian: “Mom, I'm fine. I am in ... [crossed out word] in Russia”. The family managed to read that crossed-out word: “in captivity”.

“Nothing is clear about the others, but there is reason to believe that they, along with Ihor, are also in captivity. There is a chance that they will get out,” the woman reflects.

She had to tell the sad news to both of her ex's daughters (the man has another 23-year-old daughter from his first marriage, who lives in Poland).

“Their reactions were identical: both of them were crying and screaming. Orysia asked if he had a place to sleep, if he would be fed, if they would not hurt him, when they let him go.”

Mom Maryna: “For half a year I woke up and fell asleep checking Russian online communities”

After his divorce from Maryna, the man did not start a new family. His ex-wife turned out to be the closest person to him. Now she is the one who is looking for him.

“After contacting all the authorities, all the official and unofficial sources, I didn't know what to do anymore. I subscribed to Russian online communities, where they post living and dead people. These are very scary photos and videos,” the woman recalls.

Sometimes it seemed like I went crazy. I could not understand: Ihor was there or not. I sent photos to his brothers-in-arms for them to help recognize him. Then I took a break, because for six months I fell asleep and woke up checking those Russian online communities — I saw nothing but them. I had bad dreams. In general, this uncertainty is very pressuring. You don't know how to say: is he there or was he there?Maryna Hostra, Orysia's mother

In addition, Maryna's husband is on the frontline. She also has two brothers at war. She has a lot to worry about.

But she holds on and supports her daughter: “It's hard for adults, and even harder for children. In addition to the situation with her father, Orysia is going through a transitional age, having changed four schools in two years [the family went to Germany for some time — ed.] She went to a support group here, but it didn't work out because there were children whose parents were in the military. So they knew everything about them. She also visited a psychologist, because I realized that she couldn't cope on her own. For some time, she took antidepressants: she had panic attacks. Now I wake up in the morning and she's in bed next to me because she's scared.”

Maryna often asks Orysia if she needs help and what kind of help: “She knows that I can always listen to her, lend a shoulder. Not only in the situation with her father, but with anything.”

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Daughter Orysia: “Adults give false hope”

“I don't like to talk to my mom about my dad because she gives me hope. But she doesn't know if he will come back. So why talk about it? In general, I feel uncomfortable with adults because of these false expectations. If you listen to them, he will return almost tomorrow. Instead, tomorrow passes and he is gone,” the girl says.

I have accepted the fact that I will not see my father again. I do not believe that he will be released. Only a few people return from captivity, and I am not so lucky. Even when the war ends, I don't think Ukrainians will be released. They will all be killed, because the enemy does not care about prisoners. That's why I don’t want the war to end...Orysia Hostra, daughter of Ihor and Maryna

Orysia says she has been seeing a psychologist. However, she does not like to share personal things with strangers and cry in front of them.

“I try not to think about my dad. When I have sad thoughts, I tell them ‘goodbye’. If I tell my friend about my problems, I don't tell her much. I don't want to impose them on her, so that she thinks about them too. I feel calmer when we go for a walk, eat pizza, and have fun. Yesterday, we took a bunch of pictures, shot a bunch of videos for TikTok, and I feel good about it. It gives me a bigger buzz than sitting around and whining: ‘Oh, my God, I have such problems’.”

Psychotherapist Olha: “Don't say that everything will be fine”

The Hostri family had an unsuccessful experience with a psychologist who suggested involving the girl in searching for her father on the Internet.

After that, Maryna advises others to choose a specialist very carefully and check their competence. To understand how to talk to relatives of missing persons, hromadske found such a specialist.

Psychotherapist Olha Holubytska explains that in such a situation, each child needs to be worked with individually and very carefully: to find contact, to build a level of trust.

Orysia needs psychological support, because she has a lot of anger towards her mother, father and Russia, which took him away. That's why she speaks out so categorically. This is her psychological defense. We need to work with her to express her anger and validate it. Here, ‘one-size-fits-all’ advice will not work.Olha Holubytska, psychotherapist

I ask the therapist for advice.

Let's move away from the specific situation. How should parents talk to their children about missing parents in general?

I propose to divide children into categories according to age: preschoolers, primary school children, and teenagers. Even sentences should be constructed differently for each.

The main thing is that you need to speak honestly with any child of any age. They are in one of the most difficult situations — they have the trauma of uncertainty. Neither an adult nor a child can process this event, because they are in a vicious circle, constantly experiencing bouts of different emotions.

For a child, it is important to have at least some points of support so that they do not fantasize that something is wrong with them. Regardless of their age, children project the problem onto themselves when they feel that they are not given enough information, are lied to, or are not told enough. They think that something is wrong with them, that they are not loved. That's why we tell the maximum truth.Olha Holubytska, psychotherapist

Even with the youngest ones, you need to speak directly. They will eventually hear their mother crying or talking to someone on the phone. The child will feel worse for having been deceived. Therefore, nightmares can occur, and various phobias can form.

Adolescents hate lies even more and despise those who speak to them as if they were little. It irritates them.

So, the categories are as follows:

Preschoolers. We speak in short phrases. If the child is very young, you can use a playful form, for example, a fairy tale about animals. “Here is a family of bunnies. The father went to war. Mom and the little bunny were waiting for him, but dad disappeared. No one can say why or where, but the mother and the little bunny miss him, love him and wish him well.”

You can spin this story any way you want to make it understandable for a child. If you talk to them in an adult way, they seem to listen, but their psyche is distant.

Then you can say: “Do you remember the story of the bunnies? We have a very similar story. We will also miss our dad and wait for him. You want to hug him, I want to hug him too. We can't do it yet, but we hope for the best.”

No sweet optimization like “Everything will be fine”.

Primary school age. Children of this age are already smarter and more attentive. They look more closely at what is happening around them, whether they are being deceived.

Again, we use short phrases.

“It so happens that we have no news about dad (or mom). We are waiting for some information to come out. In the meantime, we can remember our dad, look through the photos and drawings you gave him together.”

We can say that a child has a connection with his or her father or mother, and no matter where they are, this connection will not disappear. It is something so stable and strong that it cannot be taken away. Schoolchildren of this age already understand the topic of magic, so you can recall Harry Potter and his energy exchange with his parents, the fact that they are always in each other's hearts even after death.

You can say: “It's normal that we are hurt. If you want to cry, come to me and we will cry together. It's good to cry — it's how we release pain and don't carry it inside.”

Teenagers. With teenagers, sentences are more complicated, and feelings are more complex. There can be a whole bunch of them mixed in: “I hate”, “I miss”, “I'm angry”, “I love”, “I'm scared”. And the child experiences all of these at the same time. Plus, there are hormones at play. It's hard for teenagers to adjust to their age without everything going on around them.

So we talk through our feelings and validate them. For example, you can say about yourself: “I sometimes feel so angry at your dad because he went to war. Of course, I understand why he did it. Of course, it was the best thing he could do, and I'm proud of him. But sometimes I get so childishly angry!”

Then the teenager is likely to look up and answer: “Yes, me too!”

The more you validate the contradiction of your feelings and describe all this, the easier it is for a teenager to live with this uncertainty. Then the bricks of trust will be laid between you.

This works for children with close people. But how do you talk to someone else's child whose father or mother is a prisoner of war?

If the child does not mention it, you should not bring up the painful topic. If he or she starts the conversation, it means that he or she has a conversation hunger at home. Children rarely talk to strangers about such topics unless they have no support. If this happens, the first step is to thank them.

“You are telling such a complicated story! Thank you for sharing it, for trusting me. It must be hard for you. I don't know how I would have behaved in such a situation.”

Children expect someone to magically solve this situation and relieve this burden, to say something reassuring. It is important not to take on this responsibility and not to deceive the child. You can say not “everything will be fine”, but “we hope for a good outcome”, “there are good stories when people return from captivity”.Olha Holubytska, psychotherapist

If the child is a little older, you can ask how he or she supports himself or herself. What are his or her fondest memories of mom or dad. However, it is important to understand whether you have the resources for such conversations. If not, it's better not to talk at all, because the child will feel deceived.

Do not take on the role of a loved one, because the child will then start looking for you, putting you in the place of mom or dad. It's a kind of substitution. A child will become attached to a strange adult, and then feel a fierce betrayal — and this will become another traumatic experience for a child.Olha Holubytska, psychotherapist

It is better to say this: “Thank you for your trust, for telling me, it's very hard to carry this load. Can we talk to you and your mom about it? Have you told anyone else?”

That is, you should bring a child to someone in his or her environment who can take care of him or her.